It was an obsession that had lasted for many years. It returned in dreams, again and again, like a fan unfolding. “Which one would you like? I have them in every colour,” the jester who had spent all that time mocking me seemed to ask.
They all had something in common: a sense of peace. The kind that comes when things fall into their rightful place. A heart nestled in the hollow that fits it perfectly. They also felt like liberation, like alternative paths that might have unfolded had different decisions been made. Above all, they were dreams free of guilt.
I wondered why, after so much time and with our paths already so far apart, she kept appearing in my nights. What need was there for such a thing? Was it a reminder of a love that had not been lost?
It was probably a few months before that first love went completely overboard, before we made almost every mistake possible, that she gave me a gift that would remain long after the breakup: a pair of colourful fish.
One of them held on as long as it needed to. It was as though it knew about my unfinished business. And so, by chance or good fortune, one day I came across a post of hers where people were wishing her a happy birthday. Since my resentment had all but run its course, I decided to add my wishes to theirs. She replied, and that led to a conversation that would take us on a walk along the beach.
I think that meeting gave a beautiful ending to something that had ended in disaster. Finding out how life was treating each other, recalling some lovely moments from the past, spending time on the beach, sharing a few laughs, a meal, and so much of ourselves, without judgement.
An especially beautiful afternoon of understanding and release, ending with the drive back, singing at the top of our lungs. A clean slate, a return to loving each other fully during that fleeting moment together. A lasting memory that will stay with me.
That was the last time I spent time with her. The next morning, I discovered that the little fish that had held on for so long had died. Some people believe keeping fish brings bad luck, but this one had stayed with me all that time to remind me that I still had something left to do: my first great lesson in forgiveness.
At the time, I did not fully understand its meaning, but today I know it held an important message for me.