Every now and then, the wings of optimism stretch out. The ones that want to move forward. To break out of the routine and try new things. The ones that want independence, power. The ones that long to stop bowing their heads and fly freely over the horizon.
I want to forge ahead, to reclaim my energy. To stop being drained, to be active, to radiate like the Sun. To feel the horses of my will pulling me forward with strength. To leave all the world’s noise behind and face the challenge with passion. Me and the challenge. The challenge and me. Nothing else.
Who’s stronger? Is that it? Was that all? I’ve already overcome so many challenges. Couldn’t I achieve anything now? Can’t I make it through the night? Don’t make me laugh.
Yes, I’ve looked for leverage. Yes, I’ve looked for something to lean on, and found nothing. So what? Are they doing me a favour, or only themselves? Who knows? It doesn’t matter. Either way, life tells me: “It’s your game. You’ll have to put it together yourself.” Is it getting difficult? Never mind. Have fun.
Be original, be fucking original. I know an open mind is capable of things nobody expects, nobody suspects. I also know that creativity comes from a legion. From the infinite pushing from behind.
I’m not one of those naïve fools who think they’re geniuses whenever a few good ideas come their way. I know my job is to be grateful for them and work with them. I know I can learn at the speed of light, and that all it takes from me is willingness and courage.
I know the roads are winding. That things are never as easy as we might innocently imagine. The time for foolish innocence is over. If it’s A, it’s A. If it’s B, it’s B. Let’s stop fooling ourselves. Let’s stop insisting on things that make no sense. Let’s not wear ourselves out putting bread into torn sacks. It isn’t my job to mend the sack. It isn’t my business.
My job is to recognise where the effort is worthwhile. To be wise enough to know where to sow. And where does that leave innocence? In the faith that things can be achieved. In the miraculous. In knowing there is always a little ray of hope. In believing that the world plays in favour of those who dare.
That is innocence put to worthwhile use. And I don’t mean that some people don’t deserve it, but we have to be honest and realise that perhaps it isn’t their time.
Still, I always end up easing off a little when I remember it’s only a game. I don’t want to leave without having played, without having enjoyed myself. Without having tested my limits. Without having trusted myself. The alternative, in my view, is just another sad life. And I know, because I’ve been living it for a long time.
Yes, of course I took steps forward, but I still lacked so much confidence, so much courage, and immense amounts of self-love.
What I didn’t have back then, faith in God has given me now. Not because I fantasise about being the chosen one, but because I’m certain I deserve it. That I deserve everything I’ve always wanted. That I deserve boundless love.
And what about mistakes? I can be wrong. In fact, I’ll often have to be wrong to learn exponentially. Sometimes it’s the shortest route. Those who won’t allow themselves to make mistakes haven’t even dipped a toe in the water; they haven’t started playing yet.
Meanwhile, I’m diving headfirst from high above. And I’ll keep doing it, because I want to know Love in all its fullness.